


The Burning Tent

by Burning_Nightingale



Category: Inheritance Cycle - Christopher Paolini
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Out of Character, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Silly, Weirdness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-01
Updated: 2012-06-01
Packaged: 2017-11-06 13:19:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/419355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Burning_Nightingale/pseuds/Burning_Nightingale
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Setting Roran's tent on fire was one of his more devious and brilliant ideas, Murtagh believes...</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Burning Tent

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this ages back. The characters act super-immature on purpose; this is crack, after all.
> 
> Disclaimer: All trademarked characters and settings property of their original owner, Christopher Paolini

"Aaahhh! My tents on fire!" Roran ran out of his tent screaming, closely followed by Katrina.

Soon half the Varden was awake and making preparations to put out the fire. The fire was soon put out, but an enormous fuss had been made in the process, mostly by Roran, Horst, Katrina and the rest of the villagers from Carvahall.

In all the commotion, no one noticed two black clothed figures slinking silently away between the tents, sniggering under their breath.

A few weeks earlier, Murtagh was sitting in the tent he now resided in. He couldn't believe his luck at breaking out of his oaths and being allowed back into the Varden. At first, it had been interesting, watching from the shadows as people went about their business.

The most interesting thing to do was watch the constant action going on inside Nasuada's tent. Because he could make himself invisible with a simple spell, and had all the energy of the heart of hearts, he was able to sit silently just behind Nasuada's chair and watch and learn.

It was interesting. But unfortunely, a few days earlier, he had forgotten to make his mind invisible and undetectable to others. And who had happened to walk in? Of course, his baby (half-) brother.

Looking back, it had been quite funny. Murtagh smiled as he remembered.

-Flashback-

Murtagh sat behind Nasuada, who was looking through some sheets of parchment. He felt a little bored. Today wasn't as interesting as some other days. He was thinking of leaving, when the guards outside banged the ends of their spears against the ground.

"The dragon rider Eragon requests an audience with the Lady Nasuada!"

Hmmm…this should be interesting. I wonder what Eragon wants? Murtagh thought.

"Granted," Nasuada shouted back absent-mindedly.

Eragon walked in and looked around. Murtagh looked at him, expecting him to speak. He didn't.

"Yes, Eragon? What is it? Is there some problem?" Nasuada was now looking up at Eragon, who was staring at the spot where Murtagh was sitting. Murtagh began to feel a bit nervous. Was there something he had forgotten?

"I don't think so. Unless you would count it as a problem that Murtagh is sitting right behind you."

Damn! Murtagh thought as Nasuada whipped round. Her expression became confused.

"Where? I can't see him."

"Well, no. You've used a spell of sort of invisibility. It bends the light beams around you so they don't hit you. The only problem is that you're still solid, so you can still be heard and you can still see footprints," Eragon walked round Nasuada's chair. "Yes, I can see the mark where you're sitting."

Murtagh sighed, and Nasuada jumped. He released the magic and pouffed into existence again.

"But-what-why?" Nasuada seemed unable to speak.

"I think what she's trying to ask is what you were doing sitting behind her?" Eragon said.

"Keeping myself busy," Murtagh shrugged. "Nothing else to do here, is there?"

"But you were spying on me!" Nasuada burst out.

Murtagh shook his head. "No, spying is where you tell someone what you find out. I was keeping up on local events."

"Well…" Nasuada shook her head. "Will you go and do something else? Please?"

Murtagh nodded. "You're not exactly doing much today, are you?" He paused. "But I don't know what else to do. What do you round here?" he asked Eragon.

"Not much. It is pretty boring. I read a book, or play a mind game or something." He turned to Nasuada. "You know, we really aren't doing anything at the moment. It's pretty boring round here."

"I agree. Boring." Murtagh smirked at the look on Nasuada's face.

"Will you two stop being so annoying? I do have work to do here." She turned to go back to her desk.

"We're not annoying," Murtagh said, "you are. You keep calling us 'you two'. 'You' have a name you know."

"Shut up and go away, Murtagh. And you Eragon. I'm busy."

The brothers looked at each other, then turned and made for the door. Before they got to the door, the guards again banged their spears against the ground.

"King Orrin and King Orik request an audience!" the guard shouted.

Both turned back to Nasuada. She looked worried, to say the least.

"What are we going to do?" she whispered. Murtagh shrugged.

"It doesn't matter. Me and Errie," he grabbed Eragon around the shoulders, "will go and sit down over there in that corner and be silent so no one knows we are here."

He then proceeded to pull Eragon and the only other chair in the room over into the corner behind the door flaps. They both sat down on the chair.

"Move over fat ass!" Murtagh whispered angrily.

"Who are you calling fat!" Eragon spat back.

"You two!" Both fell silent as Nasuada wanted.

"Ahem, my Lady, the Kings are waiting…"

Nasuada jumped. "Sorry. Send them in."

The two kings walked in, Orik half Orrin's height but no less imposing. Luckily neither noticed Eragon and Murtagh on their chair by the door.

Nasuada stood and greeted them. "What can I do for you?"

Orrin puffed out his chest and stood erect. "Well, to be honest, Nasuada, we both feel that nothing is happening." Orik nodded his agreement.

"Is that all?" Nasuada asked incredulously.

"Yes, that is all. We feel we should be moving on more in our attempts to foil the Empire."

"But we are," Nasuada sighed and sat down heavily in her chair, "come look at these, gentlemen. They are our plans. We have nearly completed them, at which point I was planning to look over them with you two. When we have done so, we will of course be putting them into play immediately. At which point things will get much more interesting."

Orrin and Orik walked round to the other side of Nasuada's desk, where they began to talk over the plans she had laid. They still didn't notice the two dragon rider's perched on a chair by the wall opposite.

The kings and the lady talked for quite a while. Murtagh had got bored a while ago and now Eragon was shifting restlessly. Murtagh looked at his brother and mouthed, "I'm bored." Eragon mouthed back, "Me too."

Murtagh looked at the three pouring over the spread of parchment on the desk. Then he turned to Eragon and pointed at himself, then at Eragon, then at the door. He made a questioning face. Eragon thought, then nodded.

In a moment when the three had got into a rather more heated argument, they both got up slowly and quietly, and began to make their way over to the door.

But it was not to be. As they crept towards the tent's entrance flap, Eragon had to go and trip. And over what? The edge of the carpet! He tripped and fell flat on his face crying out as he went.

Orrin, Orik and Nasuada jumped, looking up for the first time in almost an hour. Eragon was lying on the floor in a rather ungainly manner, and Murtagh was frozen in mid step about a half metre from the door. Chaos erupted.

"What on earth are you doing here?" shouted Orrin.

"I thought I told you to stay quiet!" Nasuada shouted.

"You've been listening in the whole time?" Orik cried.

"How on earth did you manage to trip over the carpet?" Murtagh screeched.

Eragon, who was getting up, stood up and retorted, "Well, I'm sorry! If it wasn't for your idea to go out, then it wouldn't have happened!"

"If you had looked where you were putting your clumsy feet then you wouldn't have tripped!" Murtagh shot back.

"Um, excuse me? Could we maybe have your attention?" Nasuada said sarcastically. Murtagh and Eragon turned and looked at her.

"What are you two doing here?" Orrin blustered.

"Listening in." Murtagh said. Eragon elbowed him in the ribs. "Ow!" Eragon turned back to the kings.

"What happened was that we were in here, then you came in and we decided to sit at the back there and not disturb you so we could talk to Nasuada as soon as you were done."

Orrin and Orik looked doubtful. Nasuada arched an eyebrow.

"Well you can leave anyway. All you were doing before was moaning." She turned to Orrin and Orik. "You'll be pleased to know that you're not the only ones who are bored."

Murtagh grabbed Eragon's arm and said, "Well that's peachy, we'll just be going then, lots to do, you know, nice to see you and all…" with that he pulled Eragon out the door and said, "Run!"

-End Flashback-

Murtagh laughed, remembering himself and Eragon running like crazy through the tents, people giving them strange looks as they passed. They saw some dwarves Eragon had met in Tronjheim, who shouted, "Argetlam!" Murtagh shouted back, "It's Argetlai!" and both he and Eragon burst into raucous laughter.

He was funny, yes, he knew. He and Eragon had had a ball since then, that day when they had basically made up. But the best was yet to come…

-Flashback-

Eragon was lying on the ground outside two tents that stood by each other. They both stood by a large patch of bare ground, which was where two dragons were lying, basking in the sun.

The tents were obviously his and Murtagh's, who was sitting next to him on the ground, playing a board game a bit like Mah-jong, trying to match symbols from the ancient language to others that meant the same.

Eragon was insanely bored. Murtagh wouldn't let him play the Mah-jong game with him, and all he was doing at the moment was flicking stones across the ground. Then he had an evil idea. He started flicking the stones at Murtagh. At first he didn't notice, but then Eragon's aim got better and the stones started hitting his face and hands, as well as scattering themselves across the Mah-jong game board.

"Do you find some pleasure in doing that?" Murtagh fumed.

Eragon flicked a few more then said, "Yes. It's fun. You're face is very funny when you're annoyed."

"Eragon stop!" Murtagh cried as more stones hit his face.

"Well let's find something more interesting to do then!"

Murtagh sighed. "What do you  _want_  to do?"

"Something fun. Like…what?" Eragon looked stumped.

Murtagh turned to him and pulled an evil smile. "One thing little onii-chan," he smiled, "never ask me that."

Eragon made the same face. "What we gonna do?"

Murtagh sighed and looked at the sky. "The question, dearest, is not what, but who. Who shall be our target?"

Eragon rubbed his hands together. "I'm looking forward to this."

-End Flashback-

This is quite fun, remembering. He had nothing else to do now he was shut in his tent. He was only allowed out for meals, for a whole week. And most defiantly not allowed to see Eragon.

This had been enforced by the two kings, and Nasuada had regretfully agreed. They weren't the only ones it applied too, since the detectives Nasuada had found to work out who had set Roran's tent on fire couldn't work out who exactly had done it. This meant that all the magic users, who were the ones who could have done it, had been locked into their tents, with guards outside the doors. It had been necessary after the last, and greatest, of their pranks.

A beautiful thing, a good prank.

-Flashback-

"And you're sure this will go to plan?" Eragon asked nervously as they crept through the tents.

"I told you," Murtagh sighed, "if it gets too big, then I'll put it out. But it won't, it'll be fine!" They made their way silently through the tents.

They eventually came to Roran's tent, in the middle of the circle of tents that were inhabited by the people of Carvahall. They crept round to the back. A candle was burning inside.

Murtagh leaned down over the edge of the tent flap, while Eragon was on lookout. Murtagh put his hands right by the material, and whispered, "Brisingr."

The fire caught instantly. It crept quickly up the side of the tent. "Come on, back, quickly." Murtagh and Eragon ran quickly back behind the next few tents, then sat and watched for the fun to begin.

After about a minute, there was a scream from the tent. It was then that Roran and Katrina ran out screaming. Eragon and Murtagh laughed and watched for a while but disappeared as soon as too many people with buckets appeared.

-End Flashback-

It was then that the serious business of finding the culprits had begun. People were sent in to determine how the tent had been set on fire, get witness reports, collect statements and draw up a list of who could have done it.

Then a large meeting was called in the main square, and the details were read out.

Murtagh couldn't help but smile as he remembered.

-Flashback-

The Varden milled around the stage. Many hundreds of people were hanging around waiting for the meeting to start.

A small man stepped up onto the stage. "Ahem. Ahem. AHEM!" Everyone finally turned and looked, and the man began his speech.

"Welcome everyone. You have been called here today to hear the details of the case of Roran Stronghammer's tent being set on fire. We are glad to say that we have been able to determine with almost certainty that the tent was set on fire with magic."

The crowd gasped and broke into whispers. Murtagh tried to keep a straight face as people around him said things like, "A magician? But who?" Someone else said, "But I heard Stronghammer was a friend of magicians." "Who would be crazy enough to set fire to the tent of the dragon riders' cousin?"

"Ahem. Thank you. Yes, the tent was set on fire by magic. But no one saw anyone suspicious hanging around. Therefore, we will be forced to ask all magic users to come for an interview in our tent. Um, now, please. That will be all, everyone else. Thank you." The small man walked off stage to raucous shouts, mostly from the magic users families and unsatisfied members of the audience.

Someone tapped Murtagh on the shoulder. He turned to face someone who had been standing near him.

The man asked, "Do you have any idea who did it? Me and my friend reckon it could just have been a joke."

Murtagh shrugged. "I think that must have been it. So far as I know, no one has any hard feelings towards Roran." The man nodded, then turned and walked away saying, "Well, better be going. Lots to do, you know." Murtagh nodded.

He looked around for Eragon as he walked. He saw him standing by the rest of the important people. Murtagh probably should have been there with him, but he hated making small talk. Better to let Eragon do it. Anyway, they were probably all quite glad that he wasn't there.

Murtagh preferred to stand in the press of the crowds. People's gossip and whispering, dramas about scandalous affairs and young lovers. Somehow, in the midst of all the people, the voices and stories, Murtagh didn't feel as alone as he did with all the aristocrats, listening to their polite conversations.

He waved his hand but failed completely to get Eragon's attention. Eragon! He called with his mind. Eragon's head turned. He waved. Murtagh waved back, and signalled him to come over to him.

Eragon smiled. He waved back at Murtagh, then made for the door.

"Eragon, where are you going?" Eragon cringed as he heard Nasuada's voice calling him. He turned.

"I have to go talk to the detectives, remember? They want magic users."

Nasuada raised an eyebrow. "I don't think that means you, Eragon. We all know you didn't do it."

Eragon smiled. "But I shouldn't raise myself above the other magic users, Nasuada. I need to go as well, to show that I'm not above being questioned."

Nasuada sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "All right then, go. But I expect to see you tonight at the dinner. And," she added as he turned to go, "make sure your brother is there as well." Eragon grimaced and nodded.

He turned to go, then turned back again. "What should I do if he won't come?"

That was when Orrin appeared, munching on something. He looked curiously at Eragon. "If who won't come to what?"

Eragon smiled sweetly. "If my brother chooses not to come along to the nice dinner we're having tonight." Orrin's face went an odd shade of purple. Nasuada laughed shakily.

"Of course, Murtagh will be coming. Eragon's just joking, aren't you?" she asked with a steely glare at the dragon rider.

He smiled again. "Yes, of course. See you tonight!" And with that he skipped out the door.

Murtagh watched Eragon as he ran towards him. He got mobbed by a couple of passionate Varden, but managed to get away before Murtagh had to come and help him. His brother was still laughing as Eragon got to him.

"Don't laugh! I seriously thought that I would have to say yes to marrying their daughter to get away from them!" This only made Murtagh laugh more, so Eragon punched him in the stomach. This resulted in him getting punched back, until both started playfully trying to wrestle each other to the ground.

Eventually, after lots of shouting and hard fighting, the brothers had ended up on the floor, Murtagh pinning Eragon to the ground.

"Ok!" he shouted, "I give up! Get off! Get your fat ass off me!" Murtagh laughed and let him up. Eragon brushed off the back of his trousers.

"You idiot! You got dirt all over me!"

"You started it!" Murtagh laughed. "Come on." They walked off through the crowds. Some gave them strange looks, them being dragon riders, but they didn't care. They didn't care about all those boring things like 'good images'.

"So, where we going? Back to the tents or something?" Murtagh snorted.

"No way, honey. We are going to be good, and go see the detectives."

Eragon stopped and stared at his brother. "Why do we wanna go there? It'll be boring!"

Murtagh turned back and smiled. "Oh no, brother dearest. This will be fun. Since they think they can handle us dragon riders, we can show them a good time…" Eragon matched his smile, and they linked arms and strode off towards the tent.

A scared looking attendant stood outside the big tent. He was scared because he had been told by the detectives that all the magic users were twisted and corrupt, not following the rules of the Varden. This had got the man into a frenzy of panic, but he was keeping cool. No point in worrying. He had done this job many times, and he could do it again. So far he had done well, coped with all the weirdoes who had turned up to be questioned, and seen them well and truly off the premises again when they left.

But he didn't know that his biggest test was yet to come.

Murtagh and Eragon strolled carelessly up to the tent. When they arrived Angela the herbalist and Solembum the werecat were just trying to establish where they had to go from the frightened attendant. This was not an easy task.

"So, we go in here and have to sit and wait?" she asked, quoting what little information the last ten minutes of being nice to him had got her.

The attendant looked scared for a few seconds before nodding.

"Anything else?" Angela asked slowly. Solembum flicked his tail in annoyance.

The attendant shook his head, then quivered, "Y-y-you j-just n-n-need to w-wait, a-and come b-back out at the e-end." He lapsed into silence, shocked by how much he had managed to say.

Angela nodded. "Thank you very much." She turned to go in, but then noticed Eragon and Murtagh. "Oh, you two. Listen," she walked closer and whispered, "don't ask him. He's in a state. Just go in there and wait until they want to interview you then come out when they've finished. Ok? Don't talk to him."

While she had been talking, the attendant had been staring hard at both dragon riders. Just as she finished, he burst out with the first coherent sentence he had said all day.

"Are you two dragon riders?"

Eragon and Angela began to speak, but Murtagh cut them off. "Yes, I'm Murtagh and that's Eragon Shadeslayer."

The attendant promptly fainted.

Angela looked shocked, but both boys burst out laughing. The herbalist regarded them with disgust.

"Why on earth are you laughing? And why," she asked, turning to Murtagh, "did you have to speak to him?"

When Murtagh could breathe from laughing, he managed to get out, "I didn't know he was going to do that!"

Angela huffed and walked into the tent, leaving Eragon and Murtagh spluttering outside.

When they managed to recover, they stepped inside. Many chairs were set out around the edges of the tent, and most were filled. Many faces looked up at them when they entered. They smiled and flopped down in two seats by the door.

They got many stares and funny looks, especially when they started pointing out people they knew to each other.

"Look, onii-sama, that's Trianna over there."

"Hey isn't that Carn, Roran's friend?"

And so on, until someone came out and cried, "Have we got an Eragon Shadeslayer here?"

Eragon, having no shame, jumped up with his hand in the air shouting, "That's me!" The messenger looked quite scared, as did the people sitting around him. Eragon began leaping over the seats towards the door to the interview room. Murtagh called after him, "Don't tell them anything!" and then, "And remember what we planned!" in the ancient language so only he and Eragon could understand.

"Yes onii-sama!" Eragon screeched back. Murtagh laughed as Eragon disappeared into the room.

About five minutes later Eragon reappeared, looking immensely pleased with himself.

He sat back down next to his brother, who asked, "How'd it go?" Of course, in spoke in the ancient language, as they always did when they didn't want anyone else to know what they were talking about. It was another of the things that intensely annoyed Nasuada.

"Brilliant. You'll eat them alive." Eragon smiled, his flowing speech gaining confused looks from people around them as they tried to understand what he was saying with their limited knowledge of the language.

Noticing this, Murtagh made full use of it. "What did they ask you? And what did you say? Did you do everything we planned?" The magic users around them were of course now completely confused. Eragon noticed what he was doing and made complete use of it.

"Yes," he proclaimed, looking around at his listening audience, "it was interesting. They asked if I'd done it. I of course said no. They asked if I knew who did it. I looked confused, like we planned, then said, 'Um, no, err,' then I whispered to myself in the language, 'What did Murtagh tell me to say again?'" Murtagh laughed.

Eragon continued, "Then I said, 'No, I defiantly don't know who did it.' They asked me what I had said in the ancient language, and I told them I couldn't tell them. They got annoyed then, and demanded that I tell them. I told them it was none of their business. They told me that I had to tell them as it may be important to case. Finally I pretended to give in and said, 'Well, what I said was, I think that someone evil may have done it.' They asked me why I said that, and I said that because I wanted to say it, but not to them. They were really annoyed by then so they just said, 'You were really helpful, thank you for your time, you can leave now.'"

Murtagh was by now in stitches, and all the listeners had given up trying to understand and were just staring in awe of how much ancient language he knew.

"This is going to be fun," Murtagh said darkly, a few minutes later, as the messenger came back out again and called, "Murtagh Argetlam, please." He got up and walked over, throwing a few smirky looks back at Eragon as he went.

He got into the interview room, and sat down in the seat opposite two detectives. They weren't the same ones who had interviewed Eragon, as those two had stormed out after that interview. They had hoped that Murtagh would live up to his bad record and not turn up, but he had.

The first one shifted in his chair, then addressed Murtagh. "Yes, err, hello. Thank you for coming in today…" and so on. Murtagh let his eyes wander away from the man's face and follow a fly buzzing around the ceiling. The man droned on and on, and Murtagh got more and more annoyed. How many greetings did he have to say? He would have betted all he owned that they hadn't said any of this to anyone else.

Eventually he sighed and turned back, saying, "Could we get on with this? I don't have all day, you know." The detective swallowed, then said, "Oh, err, yes. Well, what we want to ask is if you set Roran's tent on fire."

Murtagh raised an eyebrow. "Why would I want to set my cousins' tent on fire?"

"So, you didn't?"

"What do you think?"

"Alright then," the detective ticked something on his paper, "do you know who did set the tent on fire?"

"Hmmm, now let me think…" Murtagh frowned. The detectives leaned forward, eager.

Murtagh lead them on more. "Well…It could have been…no…well maybe…no I don't think so…"

"Yes? Yes?" the detective was almost falling out of his seat in his eagerness.

"Well…no, I'm sorry I don't know who did it."

The detectives slumped back. The second said, "Well, thank you for your time. It was nice to speak to you. Thank you for your time."

Murtagh nodded, got up and left.

As soon as he set foot outside the tent he was beset by Eragon.

"Was it good? Huh? Huh? What did they say? Huh? Tell me!"

"Ok, ok, calm down a minute!" Murtagh pushed Eragon away from him with both hands. "It was fine. Nothing happened."

Eragon looked disappointed. "Nothing? Nothing, at all?"

Murtagh shook his head. "No, nothing. Nothing happened. Now, what shall we do?"

They walked out into the sunshine, passing the now recovered attendant, who promptly fainted again at the sight of them. Passing rows of tents, they waved absentmindedly to them many people who jumped as they passed and shouted, "Hail, Argetlam!"

"How many times," Murtagh muttered, as they passed yet another group of smiling Varden members, "do I have to tell them it's Argetlai?" Eragon laughed, and waved to a group of stony-faced dwarves.

Murtagh noticed their expressions. "Do they always look like that?" Eragon nodded.

"When they see you, they do. But barzul them." Murtagh laughed.

-End Flashback-

It had been the day after that that Nasuada had told all them magic users to stay inside their tents. They had objected, of course, but it had been enforced. Murtagh couldn't imagine how bored Eragon was getting in his tent. He had probably trashed most of it by now…Murtagh grinned evilly.

The degree had been short and quick, and he laughed out loud as he remembered Angela's and Trianna's faces. He and Eragon had laughed and laughed till their sides hurt, their eyes streamed and they were gasping for breath.

Murtagh sighed. Oh well. Only three more days until they would be let out. And were free to start the whole pranking business again…

Murtagh rolled over and fell asleep, still quietly chuckling to himself.


End file.
